They Did What
by Nature9000
Summary: Possibly a crack fic, the homunculi go into a rage when they hear of the impostor homunculi created by fans who claim Ed makes a better Pride and so forth. Read and review.


They Did What

Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist.

A/N: I was inspired to write this…if you want to call it a crack fic you can, I think this may qualify as there may be some OOC here. I couldn't help but feel annoyed by all the "Ed as Pride" and "Roy as Lust" kind of stuff. I don't even know where people got these ideas, and so I decided to write this. However I am intrigued by it all so I'm not the one that doesn't like it, the characters don't like it as you'll find.

* * *

"Damn it Sloth, get in here!" Pride exclaimed as he slammed his fist into his desk. Sloth raised her eyebrow and walked into the office.

"Is there something wrong, sir?" Sloth asked.

"I want you to alert all the homunculi to get their asses in here right now!"

"Okay, but could you tell me what is going on?"

"You'll find out when the others get here." Sloth nodded and walked over to the phone. It took about thirty minutes before every homunculus arrived. "Welcome, Envy, Gluttony, Lust, Wrath, Sloth and Greed."

"Why am I last?" Greed asked. "I'm always last in your book!"

"Shut the hell up and let me talk." Pride pulled out a large photo with a story on the back. "Take a look at this!"

"Uh…It looks like the seven deadly sins," Lust said calmly.

"Yes, but they are _not_ us!"

"I see that...Your point is?"

"I can see his point," Envy said with a low growl. "Who the hell thought up these freaks? Don't they know that we are the best?"

"Damn this," Wrath said with a low growl. "Ed as Pride, Roy as Lust, Armstrong as Gluttony, Hughes as Greed, Hawkeye as Envy, Al as Wrath, and Winry as Sloth…" Wrath stared for a moment. "What the hell! They have Al as me! Damn this all to hell!"

"They have that…pardon the use of my language…bimbo as me?" Sloth asked quietly with her eyebrow twitching.

"Furthermore, I am a guy," Ed said quickly.

"If these damned homunculi are so great…let's call them up and see just how great they _really_ are," Pride said with a chuckle.

-------------------

"You wanted to speak with us?" Elric as Pride said.

"Yes…We notice that you are the_ new _homunculi," Pride said quietly. "I'm wondering about how you are possibly better than we are. We are the original and the best."

"No…I'm afraid we are," Elric said with a chuckle.

"You look like a_girl_ there is no way you can be Pride!"

"My team is better than yours, you'll see"

--Gluttony versus Armstrong--

"Why are we fighting?" Gluttony asked.

"We are going to show who the best of the best are," Armstrong said as he flexed his muscles. "Watch my muscles and become hypnotized by the gleam!" Gluttony stared in awe of Armstrong's muscles.

"Gluttony, what the hell are you doing!" Lust exclaimed.

"Get in there and kill the gay freak!" Envy shouted.

"Oh you're one to talk," Hawkeye said with a chuckle. Gluttony shook his head and raised his eyebrow.

"That really _does_ give the name _Gluttony_ a bad name," Gluttony said with a sigh. "The sin of Gluttony means you eat a lot…not flex your damn muscles."

"Did Gluttony just say 'damn' or am I imagining things?" Envy asked.

"You're not imagining things," Wrath responded.

"Okay, now die," Gluttony said as he quickly charged toward Armstrong and kicked him in the chest. "I'm sorry for this, but all your damn bastardized muscles are doing are making me hungry for raw meat. I haven't eaten any meat in days and I need my protein. Judging by the size of those muscles…I should get quite a meal from you."

"Is it just me or does Gluttony sound…Grown up?" Envy asked as his eyebrow twitched. Everyone watched in horror as Gluttony leapt into the air and opened his mouth to swallow Armstrong whole.

"There is no question who the best Glutton is…morons," Gluttony said as he rubbed his belly.

--Lust vs. Mustang—

Lust licked her fingernail and smirked as she looked over to Mustang, "You can't be named _Lust_, It's not probable," Lust said quietly.

"Why not, I have flames of desire!" Mustang shouted with joy.

"Oh dear god…Roy Mustang would so be rolling over in his grave…He _is_ dead, right? I mean it only makes since for him to be dead if you're here…"

"He would have had to be transmuted."

"Who the hell would be there to transmute him anyway? Riza Hawkeye isn't an alchemist."

"There's always Edward Elric."

"Oh…So all those little gay things, that's how you got started I guess…Great, there are sick freaks out there who imagine you as sexy and lusty…right…"

"What's wrong with being sexy and lusty?"

"Roy Mustang isn't nearly as lustful. Seriously I've only ever seen him with another woman _once_ and that was all. That was the damn flower girl that used to date Havoc as well!"

"She couldn't get enough of my body."

"Ugh…and I can't get over this intense desire to-"

"To pounce on me and make hot, mad, passionate-"

"THAT'S IT!" Lust swiped her long fingernails across Mustang and began to wildly claw and start to tear him apart. Mustang ran around the room and eventually lit himself on fire. With this fire he shot at Lust, she quickly stabbed him through the chest and then ripped her claws upwards. "Only one of us can be the real Lust, and it is _not_ you! You damn Roy Mustang, Lust wannabe!"

"That hurts, that hurts my heart deeply…You are so cold, how can you be Lust?" Lust narrowed her eyes.

"One, check the name…and two, you are _so_ stupid!" Mustang quickly lit Lust's hair on fire. Lust shook her hair and the fire vanished.

"My flames of desire, they're gone!"

"You annoy me. Shut the hell up." Lust shot her nails into Mustang and he quickly died away. "Ugh! That guy gave me the creeps!"

"Good job Lust!" Sloth said as she high fived Lust and took her place in the arena.

--Sloth vs. Rockbell—

"So what the hell are you supposed to be, some weird water girl?" Rockbell asked.

"The name is Sloth. You know, Tricia Elric, Juliet Douglas…Sloth."

"O-oh, I see…Well I'm Rockbell, I'm the _new and improved_ Sloth."

"What was that? Tell me you didn't just call me old!"

"What if I did?"

"You're dead." Sloth quickly lashed her arms at Rockbell only to have her leap back and throw a wrench at Sloth. Sloth raised her eyebrow and watched as Rockbell hang back.

"I'm bored now…I really am."

"I hate you so much…You give me a bad name." Sloth quickly wrapped Rockbell with water arms and began to drown Rockbell in fluids.

"Way to go Sloth, that's the way it's done!" Pride said with a grin. "You make me so proud!"

"Thanks Pride, I'm so glad that you're enjoying this…"

"Hey, you're drowning me!" Rockbell exclaimed as she gurgled the water.

"No, are you serious? Here I thought I was merely giving you some water to drink," Sloth stated in a monotonous, sarcastic tone. She kept drowning Rockbell until the false Sloth exploded. "Well…I guess Wrath is up next."

--Wrath vs. Al—

"How could you even be transmuted? Your soul was _gone!"_ Wrath exclaimed.

"Maybe they figured out how to do it," Al said with a grin.

"Yeah, or maybe someone just got a weird idea about how to replace _me_ with the likes of _you_."

"I'd say I make a much better Wrath, wouldn't you agree?"

"I got two words for you, hell no."

"Oh…Okay then." Al charged toward Wrath and threw a punch, Wrath quickly flipped over Al and punched him in the back.

"You're going to have to do better than that!"

"Oh, are you sure?"

"Hey, I think your soul's calling your body back to it!"

"What?"

"Just shut the hell up and die." Wrath clasped his hands together and sent an alchemic blast toward Al.

"Homunculi can't do Alchemy!"

"Oh but I can…"

"Oh…I suppose that's a bad thing then?"

"No, it's not bad at all…Damn idiot." Wrath quickly kicked Al in the face and grabbed his neck. He then threw Al into a wall and jumped into Al's abdomen. "Who's the better Wrath here? I'd say it's the one actually _winning!"_

"No, it's me because all the fangirls say so!"

"You know what? You and all those fangirls can kiss my rear end!" Wrath clenched his ands around Al's neck and tightened his grip. He then commenced to bang Al's head against the wall several times before punching Al in the face and abdomen.

"Ouch, look what you're doing to my face; at least I still have my hair!"

"Not for long_pretty boy!"_ Wrath grabbed Al's long hair and ripped it from his head. "Now watch as I shove this hair down your damned throat!"

"Uh oh…" Wrath quickly slammed the hair into Al's mouth. He gripped Al's neck and ripped open the skin to reveal hair.

"There's your hair!" Wrath grabbed the hair and began pulling it through the hole in the neck.

"Could you not be so gross over there?" Lust asked. "I feel like puking right now."

"Yeah, and normally it's _bad_ if we puke," Greed said as he crossed his arms.

"Hey Greed, you're going down!" Hughes shouted from the other side of the arena.

"Shut the hell up." Greed flipped his middle finger at Hughes and crossed his arms back over.

"Well, this is a painful experience," Al said quietly. "It was really painful."

"Oh I'm not done yet," Wrath said with a devious skin.

"You know, he really does live up to his name," Envy said with narrow eyes. Everyone watched as Wrath performed a very gruesome and sickening death move on the fake Wrath. "Wow…"

--Greed vs. Hughes—

"Okay, I can believe how you were probably created," Greed said quietly. "However what I don't believe is why the hell they should replace me with you. I am the better Greed, what the hell can you do?"

"I shoot little daggers…"

"Little daggers he has…So you have a little dagger huh?" Greed smirked and looked back. "Hey ladies, you hear that! He has a little dagger! A _little_ dagger, do you want to know what dagger I have!" Lust, Sloth and every other person in the room twitched their eyebrows.

"Just get on with the fight, Greed!" Lust and Sloth exclaimed.

"Fine, it was just a joke…" Greed removed his jacket and transformed into a beast.

"It's a monster!" Hughes exclaimed.

"Yeah, that would be the point…" Hughes quickly threw several daggers toward Greed only to have them bounce off.

"Oh crap run!" Greed raised his eyebrow as Hughes ran around the arena.

"Well this is…interesting…" Greed sighed as Hughes ran around in circles. "Is there any point to this?" Greed raised his eyebrow when suddenly Hughes was running so fast that daggers were coming from all areas. "Crap there is a point to this!" Greed shielded himself from the daggers and quickly slammed his fist into the ground causing a massive earthquake.

"Ouch!" Hughes exclaimed as he fell over. Greed walked over to Hughes with a frown.

"How the hell can you be Greed? You aren't even greedy…Your more like Prided, proud of your daughter and all those other things."

"Well hey; it's what the fangirls named me!"

"The fangirls huh, I see, well here's something I'm sure fangirls will love. They'll love the fact that I am Greedy enough for two tattooed hands!"

"What?" Greed grabbed Hughes's wrist and swiftly ripped his hand off. "I can't survive without that!"

"That's my point you idiot. What, you're so new to this that you didn't realize what would happen if you lost this tattoo? Wow…I really _am_better than you."

"No! I can't die! The fangirls love me!"

"No…Stick with regular human Hughes…you'll get so much more love that way rather than stealing my identity!" Greed walked off as Hughes vanished in the arena.

--Envy vs. Hawkeye--

"Well, how are you today, you palm tree?" Hawkeye asked.

"I hate you. The question of how you would be created makes sense. If you died Roy Mustang would definitely try a human transmutation. However, you_cannot_ have my name! At least not while I'm alive…"

"What's wrong with that?"

"There can only be _one_, not two."

"Oh…So you're…jealous?" Envy's eyebrow twitched.

"You are incredibly stupid…What the hell do you think my name is!"

"Envy, duh…"

"Wow…just…I'm going to kill you now. I don't need your permission do I?"

"Well…" Envy charged toward Hawkeye and punched her in the gut. Hawkeye pointed her hand toward Envy.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"This is my ability…I shoot."

"How…cliché…" Envy did a cartwheel and dodged the bullets.

"That doesn't help your gender confusion you know."

"I don't give a bloody damn! You can go back to bloody hell!" Envy kicked with one leg then the second then again with the other leg, hitting Hawkeye each time.

"Hey! Watch it buddy!" Hawkeye leapt back and fired several bullets into Envy. Envy's eye twitched when he looked at Hawkeye's thigh.

"You even have that tattoo in the same spot that I do…You bastard!" Envy quickly charged toward Hawkeye and grabbed her neck. He slammed her into the ground and sent his arm into the tattoo. He then proceeded to throw Hawkeye into the air. He lifted his arm in the form of a spike and let Hawkeye's body fall onto it.

"Ugh!"

"You know, Riza Hawkeye would be so ticked off right now, you really do give her a bad name…Just like that Mustang guy gave Roy Mustang a bad name…In fact all of you homunculi give your counterparts bad names…Just…weird…" Hawkeye's body disappeared and Envy patted his hands together as he walked off.

--Pride vs. Elric—

"It's come down to this, knock his…er…her head off Pride!" Sloth exclaimed.

"I'm a guy!" Elric shouted.

"Then why the hell do you look like a girl," Lust asked. "You're even wearing those things on your arms…Plus you have a very feminine physique…"

"Damn you!"

"I wonder who in their right mind would have transmuted him," Envy said with a sigh.

"You don't think Roy Mustang could have done it?" Greed asked.

"I don't know but when we're done with this…Someone is going to get it…Well other than the imposter homunculi of course."

"We have all this on video tape," Lust said with a grin.

"Oh yeah…I'm sure everyone would _love_ seeing their homunculi counterparts!"

"You know Elric, you're just as bad as Envy about the gender thing," Pride said with a chuckle.

"Hey, whose side are you on!" Envy shouted.

"Don't worry, I'm on it." Pride unsheathed his sword and charged toward Elric. "Die you imposter, waste, piece of crap!" Elric jumped over Pride only to have Pride slice off part of his leg.

"Ouch, that wasn't fair!" Elric exclaimed.

"I wonder if I could call you small and see if you react…shrimp." Elric just stared and tapped his foot. "I didn't think that'd get a reaction of any sort apparently."

"I'm a bit more serious…"

"You're an idiot…A major idiot. There can be only one set of homunculi and we've been winning."

"So what, I'm still going to win."

"How can you?" Pride slashed at Elric, Elric dodged the slash. "You're just all talk…nothing more, nothing less."

"I guess I am," Elric said with a shrug. Pride swiftly slashed through Elric's chest.

"You know...if that tattoo is destroyed that you die."

"Oh...Really, are you sure about that?"

"Yes, in fact…Elric, look over there it's a plane…"

"Really, that's cool!" Elric looked over and Pride sighed.

"The real Pride would never have fallen for that…" Elric looked over and when he did he got a sword thrust through the tattoo on his head.

"Way to go, Pride!" Sloth exclaimed.

"Heh, much better than 'dagger boy' over here," Lust said with a slight chuckle.

"Oh, come on, that was a _joke!"_ Greed exclaimed.

"Yeah, well anyway, we better have a chat with everyone else," Pride said.

-----------------

"Why are we here?" Roy asked with a tired expression.

"Yeah, I got places to be that are more interesting than here…Such as, being in Risembool right now."

"Why would you be there, I'm right here Edward," Winry said with a chuckle. Ed sighed and rolled his eyes. Pride cleared his throat and started a video.

"We have learned that a bunch of rabid fangirls have created idiot versions of the seven deadly sins…versions that replace _us_ the _better_ sins," Pride said quietly. "Allow us to show you your homunculi counterparts."

"Our counterparts, you say?" Roy asked as he raised his eyebrow. He watched as the video started and blinked when he saw Mustang on the screen. "Holy crap, how is that me!" Riza started to laugh until she saw her homunculi version.

"Oh…my…God…That is one _sorry_ excuse for me," Riza said as she pulled out her gun. She quickly resisted the urge to shoot the screen.

"Hah, this is hilarious," Ed said quickly. "You can't believe-Crap I'm a girl!" Roy and everyone else in the room began to laugh. "I can't believe I look like a girl! That is so sick! Who are the bastards that thought this up!"

"We are investigating that," Envy said as he clenched his fists.

"Uh…what's with the dagger statements?" Hughes asked. "What do you mean by all of this?"

"You may never know," Greed said as he narrowed his eyes.

"Either way, that's just pathetic…If I'm supposed to be Greed then why don't I just transform into a beast?"

"Don't you get it, you are not Greed!"

"Why am I so boring?" Winry asked. "I mean that thing that is supposed to be me…"

"That's the least of your worries, that homunculus is giving my muscles a bad name!" Armstrong shouted.

"Please, I think the worst one is Mustang," Roy said as he crossed his arms. "I am not that bad and certainly if I was turned into a homunculus…I would _not _be _LUST!"_ Roy looked at Lust and shuddered.

"Why did Wrath do that to my counterpart?" Al asked.

"Your homunculus, not counterpart," Ed said. "Counterpart means _similar_ and so far none of these are similar."

"We need to have a talk with these fangirls…"

"Hell yeah, this is not acceptable!" Pride said quickly. "Get this straight, if you're going to replace us, do it properly!"

"I am not to look like a girl!" Ed exclaimed. "Do you get that you dumb ignorant people!"

"I'm not lazy!" Winry exclaimed.

"I'm not…whatever the hell that was!" Riza shouted.

"I am not a goddamn playboy or pervert!" Roy shouted. Everyone looked at him. "Well I'm not!"

"I may flex my muscles a lot…However I am not that dumb," Armstrong stated as he crossed his arms controlling the urge to bulge his muscles.

"I don't even know _what_ you were thinking of having me as a pretty boy for," Al said flatly. "I mean come on for crying out loud! Do I _have_to be _cute_ because I'm young or something? What next, Ed's a girl? Oh I'm sorry…you already _did that!"_

"There is no bloody way that I would be so pathetic," Hughes said as he pushed his glasses up his nose.

"Great and if we_have_ to, we'll show you how we deal with Mary Sues!" The homunculi exclaimed. "And so forth…"

* * *

I hope you enjoyed that, it's meant to be a oneshot but I can always continue it if anybody likes it. Though a certain amount of reviews would convince me... 


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